Perks of being a Dude

I have always wanted to be a boy, as far as I can remember…

Here are a bunch of realistic/fanciful ideas which I would have acted on had I been one:

1.  Be a Musician or a Rapper – Keep driving down Miami in my open top cars and women who look atleast 20 times better than me. Considering I plan on being a good looking guy, the only women who make the cut for this special treat will be the Victoria secret models.

Also coz have you seen the women Adam Levine dates!!! Compare it to Adele’s boyfriend and you know what I mean…

  

2. Get Dowry and Marry early – If there are fools out there who want to make me rich and marry me to their beautiful daughter then why the hell not :P  I get someone to take care of me, cook, lay out my wardrobe, and not to forget Dowry :P Also who says that I cannot still play the field after I am married… Tiger Woods anyone??

Gold Rush!

3. Travel: Bangkok, Amsterdam, Vegas, REPEAT

 

4. Date: Women from every country and ethnicity. Maintain a score and have benchmarks :P

100 by 25 sounds too ambitious???

5. Eve tease and hit on all pretty things – Okay, so you know how the average men in India look like right? No one in their right mind would ever want to Adam tease men here (In Italy I might change my mind). Now compare it to the women, I don’t even have to look far (and all you need to do is Google), just in my office and you notice the good looking women to good looking men ratio 200:1. Also I am sure women would like getting hit on by me… pretty much like how I would feel being hooted on by Ian Somerhalder :P

Actual first 4 results when you search Indian Men and Indian Women on Google :P

Being a boy is a thought that suddenly empowers me, very much akin to getting bitten by a spider and growing some superpowers… Immense possibilities, no restrictions, very thin moral lines… I know it’s not true or valid… but you know... This is what being a boy stands for me… Being Free!!

To read a more boring/detailed version of my thoughts on wanting to be a boy please visit: http://stopbreathrun.blogspot.com/2014/04/if-i-was-boy.html

Life in a Mumbai Local

Please Note: This post was written by yours truly while sitting in a second class ladies compartment in a Mumbai Local.

There was a time when I used to wake up at 9.00 am with the help of an alarm...get dressed and hop into my car and leave home by 10.00 am and be on my desk by 10.15 am...those were golden days of my life where i had not stepped on a Mumbai local train for years.

Then tides turned and my life went down the drain as I got stuck with travelling from Borivali to Cuffe Parade  for work (for ppl who don't know Mumbai that's literally two ends of a very very large city).

And my misery expounds thousand times everyday when my alarm rings at 7.00 am and then I run to catch 8.22 am local to Churchgate. In the last one and half year that i have been suffering this misery I have learnt the art of jumping in before the train stops to grab a seat, pushing and elbowing people out of way and immunizing myself to sweat and smell that cloud the space (Ewww). 

So while being very gratefully seated on a bench of 3 which is stuffed with 4 people...this is how I profile people:

Lets start with the leech uncles. On those rare occasions where I have had to get into a men's compartment, I have encounter the leechad uncles whose eyes get stuck below your neck and they don't miss the opportunity to grab your ass unnoticed by others if u cross them.

Then there are the screechy auntys. If they bump into you in any way they start screaming. Honestly they have no issues with making a scene and keep forgetting that they are in a local train and not personal limousine.

Next are the students. You know its exam time when these variety have their noses stuck in their books, otherwise they are the ones who sound the most worldly wise, usually move in herds and can incessantly chat and giggle.

Actually chatting is a little bigger with the dhokla auntys. They usually carry the breakfast boxes and share food with each other. This is also the sly lot which reserves seats for their group and refuse to budge from their appointed seats.

The male counterpart of dhokla auntys are the oversmart uncles. They are the stock market afficandos who have an opinion on everything. These days politics and inside news on Modi and Rahul Gandhi are their favorite topics. They are just loud enough for everyone to hear their opinions.

Ofcourse then there are the Marketeers. All MLM companies like Oriflame and Avon find their retail counters in Mumbai locals where the latest product catalogs are enthusiastically passed along with promise of next day deliveries.

Last but not the least are the singers. These are the bathroom singers who hear asha bhosle's voice from their own throats. They typically start with bhajans and then graduate to baho mein chale aayo.

In the middle of these insane crowds, pungent smells and mind numbing journeys, these are the people I recognize and feel the affinity of existing in Mumbai with....

PS: If anyone wants a free uber ride then use my referral code po5ym

2 States - An opinion

I am not sure if we have said this before... But one of the biggest binding factor between me and Khushboo is our love for Free stuff  Don't get me wrong, we are not misers... Actually faaaar from it... But when concert tickets, movie passes, skin care products, gifts, whatever we want, but think might be a frivolous expense turns up for free, our joy is multiplied atleast 5x if not 10 

So when today we got tickets to watch #2States special screening courtesy Arjun Kapoor's Manager, Tania, we were super excited! Now Khushboo is extremely fond of Arjun Kapoor, but this post is not about that. This is about the movie that we watched.

So here's what we thought of the film...

Its a sweet movie which made us laugh throughout, sometimes quite aloud (though it doesn't take much to make us laugh, we are blessed with an unusually happy disposition  ).

It is a bang on adaptation of the book about an inter-caste love story...but it's Arjun and Alia shining with young love that makes the movie so much better to watch than the book was to read.

We loved the mothers...especially Amrita Singh is adorable (though there were moments when we wondered how on earth was she married to Saif???). But she likes free stuff as much as us, so lot of affinity there.

Also don't miss Duke. To us he was the cutest thing in the movie and yes he resembles a puppy dog.

But its out and out #ArjunKapoor's movie. He looks good and has acted even better.

I think everyone should see this movie with their in-laws, and it would be even more 'relatable' if you had to work on convincing your folks that your love was true.

We are no critics, and I am sure you will cringe on a few stereotypical Punjabi and Tamilian cliches, but we liked the movie and felt like giving a heads up to everyone who was thinking about catching it. Knowing we got a chance to catch it earlier 

Asked out?? – List of things NOT to do

It took me a while to figure out what would interest me as the next blog post topic. You know that feeling when on a usual day you will have like a thousand post ideas, all making for awesome and fun read but when you actually come down to it - You reject them all...
So that's what happened to me... But then this one came up unexpectedly... And as the Nth time I goofed up… I realized if I cannot learn from my mistakes then maybe others could.
For people who know me, it’s not a shocker when I say that I have a history of mismanaging the few times I have been asked out so far. Hence I have compiled a list of Don'ts (which is my forte), and hope to someday compile a list of do’s ....

	1.     Don’t play Hide and Seek: I did this in Post Grad College! Abandoned my hostel room for a month trying to hide from a friend who happened to like me. There is no redemption. It’s undoubtedly the most childish thing anyone can do. But if you are as averse to confrontation and giving bad news as me, this is probably the most instinctive reaction. Please be warned it doesn't end well and kills all chances of the guy having any respect for you afterwards :)
	2.     Never say ‘Yes’ when you mean to say ‘No’: You have been single for too long and someone who you enjoy spending time with asks you out. You don’t think it’s the right move, but then think – “What the hell, let’s give it a shot! It might just work”… It does work… but IN MOVIES!!! You will not earn any brownie points by breaking his heart slowly. Please grow a spine and pull the bandage off as quickly as possible.
	3.     Never weedle a proposal: Let him take his own sweet time. Its Darwin’s Survival of the fittest, the ones most intent will finally own up. Hastening the process never does anyone any good. As a perpetual attention seeker, and a very curious one at that, I just cannot wait. What’s worse, I cannot wait to hear it even when I know that my answer is going to be NO!! My only explanation: It feels great to actually hear those words from a man. But my most discerning readers, YOU should not egg him on just for your victory lap, proving yourself right and subconsciously keeping a score.
	4.     Do not get your best friend to say no on your behalf: Absolutely disrespectful and cowardly, but probably also the easiest. I always want to play Good cop, and I am blessed with these sweethearts who are easily bullied or emotionally blackmailed to sometimes do my dirty work. Against their better judgment, I may add. I have been on a date where I forced my friend to tag along as the - ‘walking talking rejection’.  She tried her best to be subtle, while casually suggesting how she will be surprised if this will ever work out. The man got the hint, but was also pissed!
	5.     Never accept and forget about it in a week: Okay, in my defense I never did this one. But have atleast one friend guilty of pulling this sort of shenanigan. You don’t need an explanation on why this sort of thing is bad.. Very bad… Though it can happen when you are in two minds and in-between too many people asking you out... Problem of plenty J
	6.     Never accept gifts if you have to say “No”: Another one of my ‘not so proud’ moments... In my defense I love chocolates! And was thinking, they are edible things and will get spoilt if I don’t eat them, right?? I should know weaknesses can be manipulated. Well unfortunately my sweet tooth is well advertised in college, work place, at home, everywhere… Moral of the story do not be the quintessential Eve, and reason that it’s only a small gift. Resist the temptation because it makes you owe him one...

Superheroes: Which one do you crush on?

Everyone who knows me, knows how passionate I am about Superhero movies and my intense desire to exist in the Marvel universe. Honestly if they even let me sweep floors on the next Avengers movie set, I will die a very happy woman.

My boytoys!

So with Captain America releasing this week, one post from me on Superheros was inevitable. 

I was not such a big Superhero fan while growing up and thought that Star Wars was the epitome of cinematic excellence. But all that changed in 2008 when Robert Downey Jr became Tony Stark aka Iron Man.

Finally came a Superhero who was not just cool in his metal suit but had no desire to show his underwear in public and is a Genius, Billionaire, Playboy and Philanthropist.

My love for Iron Man has just grown with each on screen appearance (even Iron Man 2) and he is my unchallenged favorite but it’s the decision about the 2nd favorite spot that has kept me stressed and awake long hours in deep thought (Sincerely.. not joking J ).

So here's my rationalization on who gets the second spot... 

Captain America definitely doesn't stand a chance. In fact the poor guy is so simple minded and straight jacket that he verges on boring...no wonder he is the only one who has not been able to score a girlfriend yet in the marvel franchisee so far. He needs to desperately develop some bad boy traits.

Then there is Spiderman. I love how he swings by but since Andrew Garfield came into play I just started thinking of Spiderman as way too young and honestly what is more difficult to overlook is the whole spider association.

Let’s move on to Wolverine. I love Hugh Jackman and when the Adamantium claws come out he just gets more dangerously attractive. He would have made it to 2nd favorite slot but for the 2013 Wolverine movie, which was unforgivable...I am now reserving further judgement till I see Days of Future Past.

Well then there is Superman and Thor - Both of them are from other planets, have super strength, can fly and look gorgeous. But I have never wanted to chase theatre managers a week in advance to block my tickets for either one of their movies so they don't make the cut.

Of-course then there is Batman - the dark, brooding vigilante with best gadgets and cars and it definitely helps that he is a billionaire. Also Batman gets the best adversaries but honestly after Dark Knight I feel more strongly about Joker than Batman. Still when Alfred saw him happily retired in Florence with Cat woman I did a lot of happy hooting in the theatre.

Well after all this introspection I think currently my 2nd favorite Superhero is Mark Ruffalo's Hulk. Edward Norton and Eric Bana somehow got it wrong and I had given up on ever liking Hulk till Mark Ruffalo came into picture (literally). Now I can happily say that "HULK Smash" and "Puny God" are my favorite Avengers moments and I can’t wait to watch more of the green gorgeousness in Age of Ultron.  

As you can see I take my Superheros movies very seriously but am open to different point of views so please feel free to share your perspectives.

The Confirmed Bachelorette

- Rajvi Merchant's story in her words

Disclaimer:: This note is not meant to demean any of my married or about to be married friends. I am very happy for you and wish you all the happiness. But this is dedicated to all my single friends who are bearing the brunt of the deeds that u guys have done!!!

You know what?? XXXX is getting married!!!

Guess What!!! I am getting married!!!

Tada - XXXXX has updated his/her Relationship Status to married/engaged/committed

Okay so back in 2010 most of my friends jumped the single’s ship and ended up posting lovey dovey pics on their Facebook page.. Suddenly I had visited Singapore, Malaysia and Bangkok via various honeymoon albums and seen enough tiger cubs being fed with the milking bottles.

I have been dodging the matrimonial bullet for the longest time and it makes me a freak to my traditional gujju family. I am 28 (soon to be 29), Gujarati Jain girl who thinks career is cooler then the cooker and chai gossip sessions (pardon the clichés)

While i feel happy for all my friends who are getting hooked, the question which ticks me off is when they end the conversation by asking - So when are you getting MARRIED? This 'M' word really gets to me!!! I can’t understand the logic behind that question - Is it because you know you are putting your happiness and freedom on stake that you want to wish to see all happily single people married?

The worst one comes when you are at a social family gathering! The only reaction you get is - Oh My god u is all grown up... When are you inviting us to your wedding... (The thing that goes in my mind is - What made you think i would never grow up!! and u wish to see me sacrificed to the fire gods just for the heck of a free meal!!)

The rare and extinct species of my single friends is quickly diminishing and I wish I can run a 'Save the Singletons' campaign:)

Well due to my inefficiency of landing a aditya chopra’s filmy Raj kinda boyfriend who would in long term agree to marry me, my family decided to make me suffer through the most logical option after that.. Matrimonial websites and bureaus!!!

I have met some amusingly funny bunch of people so far… They are available in all kinds and types. They are each annoying in their own way. For one of those genius there was no difference between PR agency and a hair transplant agency…

Then other wanted to ask me if I had any past relation and how did he chose to ask me – Do u have any HISTORY??? WTF… (Yes buddy, but like the one in my computer I do weekly cleanup of my personal history sessions too)

I do not blame the guys alone.. A single girl frd is going through the same painful process.. And this chick asks him – Do you wear branded clothes!!! I mean seriously woman…That’s what you need to know from the guy who you might marry!!!

A recent instance was a chap who I refused to meet and he insisted on a phone conversation at least…So I did talk to him.. It began with the usual mundane, what you do etc etc shit and then he got talking about his ex and that part went on for 20 minutes!!!! Really dude…grrrr

Anyway life goes on and one day in far far far far away future I am sure I will write about the joys of matrimony too.